Random Acts of Trivia

More Ways to Embarrass the Wife

Yesterday morning Andia and I are in the recovery room waiting for them to come get her for her operation. She looks at me and asks if I can step out into the hallway. I ask her why and she tells me she needs to use the bathroom. The room we're in has a commode in the corner with a curtain partition pulled back. I told her we were married and she could go in front of me. She says that even with the curtain pulled I could still hear her. I tell her I can hear her go at the house. So she closed the curtain and turns the sink on.

So my question to the married peeps out there, have you ever gone to the bathroom in front of your significant other?

Sneff Made Me Google

Swiped from Sneff's blog.

1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
Jeremy needs guidance to grow into a man.
So true.

2: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
This one got a lot of Ron Jeremy results a few of my favorites:
Ron Jeremy does blow up doll.
Ron Jeremy does Britney Spears
Ron Jeremy does Portland
The whole City? What, did they form a line?
Ron Jeremy does what comes natural at the Insider
Drop a couple of words and that becomes, "Ron Jeremy does what comes natural inside her."

3: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Jeremy looks like Ed from "Northern Exposure."

Uh...no.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Jeremy hates Soulja Boy video
Fuckin' A, I do.

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Jeremy goes to Japan
Sigh. I wish. I was on the jet, on the taxi way with orders in hand when the mission to Kadena was scrubbed.

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Jeremy loves Ksubi
I had to use Wikipedia to discover Ksubi is an Australian clothing label.

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Jeremy eats cheese shells.
mmmm....cheese shells.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Jeremy has a room for rent/ is looking for a roomate
Nope. I also liked:
Jeremy has left

9: Type in "[your name] died" in Google Search:
The return of Ron
Ron Jeremy died?
Also
Jeremy 'Pitbull' Lusk Dies After Crash in Costa Rica

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
Jeremy will cut the first cake into two pieces, perhaps evenly, perhaps not.
Here's a hint, I'm getting more cake than you.

Just the Two of Us

I'm going to go with the original version of the song by Bill Withers and Grover Washington, Jr. because it's sexy. Wither's voice is like velvet on that track.

Anyways, here's the thing everyone's filling out.

What are your middle names?
Mine: Michael   Hers: Louise

What are your middle names? Mine: Michael   Hers: Louise

How long have you been together? Four years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating? We met online a couple of months before our first date. I finally wore her down and she accepted an invitation to dinner and a movie.

Who asked whom out? I just typed "I finally wore her down and she accepted an invitation to dinner and a movie."

How old are each of you? Me: 34 for two more weeks        Her: 32

Whose siblings do you see the most? I'm an only child so I'm going to say her's.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? The question is a little vague. I’m going to say the little tiffs we have over nothing. We both let things esculate to a point where we are shouting at each other. Then we apologize and forget what the hell started it. I’m sure it was a something she did.

Did you go to the same school? Nope. I was a Sandite, she was a Trojan.

Are you from the same home town? I’m from Sand Springs, she’s from Jenks.

Who is smarter? I’m convinced Andia plays dumb because she likes the feeling of me helping her.

Who is the most sensitive? We both have our moments. I think I’m better at hiding it.

Where do you eat out most as a couple? Senor Tequilas. The place is like a warm blanket.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Key West. The drive up to Tampa was the longest we’ve been in the car together.

Who has the craziest exes? I’m going to say I do because I have the blog entries to back it up. That and because women be crazy sometimes.

Who has the worst temper? I do. No, fuck you. I do!

Who does the cooking? I do. She happily does the dishes afterwards.

Who is the neat-freak? We are both borderline slobs, but I think I get fed up faster and start cleaning before she does.

Who is more stubborn?  Ohhh… I think it’s a tie.

Who hogs the bed? She’s constantly telling me to move over because she’s about to be pushed off the bed, so I’m going to say Elvis. Elvis hogs the bed.

Who wakes up earlier? Dammit, I do.

Where was your first date? We went to see 40 Year-Old Virgin and then came back to my apartment and I made chicken quesadillas.

Who is more jealous? She is. I’ve never been the jealous type.

How long did it take to get serious?  Another vague question. I gave her a key to my apartment a  couple of months after we started dating.

Who eats more?  I do. I also eat faster than she does.

Who does the laundry? Her grandmother did until we got the new place. Andia does the bulk of it now.

Who's better with the computer? I am, but this is one of those areas where I think she’s feigning ignorance to get attention from me.

Who drives when you are together? I do. She’s legally blind what with her cataracts and all.

Andia vs the Closet Door

Tuesday was the 21st birthday of one of Andia's coworkers. Andia had plans on going to happy hour that night with some girls from the office. Monday night she started heming hawing about going. I told her she should go out and be social. She agreed and told me she wouldn't spend much.

So the day comes and I home on the couch with Elvis next to me playing the new content for Grand Theft Auto. Around 7:30 the phone rings as my pixelated avatar is running over a hooker with his motorcycle. I answer the phone and it's Andia telling me she's a little buzzed and is going to wait 30 minutes to see if she can drive home. In the background I hear several female voices yelling, "she's wasted!" I put the phone down and return to my simulated carnage. 30 minutes pass and I pick up the phone and call Andia. A female voice that I don't recognize answers and I ask if Andia is okay. The voice tells me her name is Megan and no, Andia is very drunk and needs a ride home. I ask where they are (The Pour House, a bar just 5 minutes away) and grab my hoodie and car keys.

I pull up next to the bar and see three girls standing on the sidewalk, illuminated in red neon. The girl with her head and arms sagging was my wife. One of the girls opens the passenger door and says, "Hi, I'm Megan, it's my birthday." I wished her a happy birthday and told her she was the one that was suppose to be in Andia's condition. She smiled and told me not to be mad at Andia and that she had had a wonderful time. Andia had bought Megan shots, and from her condition as she plopped down next to me, had gone drink to drink with her. I wished Megan another happy birthday and then drove off towards home.

Andia's head drooped the whole way home. She didn't say anything. Just sat there with her head down humming. I don't know what the song was, but she was smiling as she hummed. We got home and she needed no help getting out of the car. She walked into the house and took her sweater off and flung it across a table, knocking over a lamp. She then headed into the bedroom as I picked up my phone to call Pryor. I need his help in retrieving Andia's car from the bar. While I waited for him to come get me I went into the bedroom to check on my wife. She was face down on the bed sound asleep. Jay showed up and we sped off. When I returned Andia had stripped down to only her bra and socks. She was once again face down and snoring. I tried to get her to drink some water, but couldn't get her to sit up. She just made cooing noises. I gave up and headed back to the living room and start up Grand Theft Auto again.

Sometime around 9 o'clock I hear a crash, a bang and a thud from the bedroom. I jump up and run into the bedroom to find Andia sitting in a laundry basket. She had gotten out of bed, tripped over the basket, richoceted off the closet door and landed in the same basket. I helped her up, chuckling at the sight of her in her bra and socks, and watched her disappear into the bathroom. I sat on the bed until she opened the door and helped her back to the bed. She was sound asleep again in seconds.

The next morning I roused from sleep around 5. I turned to Andia and asked how she felt. She was awake and her answer was embarrassed. I asked her what she had to drink and she told me four margaritas and 3-5 shots. I laughed and as I got dressed noticed the door to the closet had been knocked off it's track.

The Wife

Andia redesigned her blog and has started posting again. I don't know if I've mentioned before, but you need to enter the same username and password you use to get here to see her stuff.

She's going for surgery next week. Keep her in your thoughts Wednesday.

I have an interesting story about my wife that I'll share later. I need to remember the blog and fight my newly aquired addiction to Facebook.

Stupid Facebook

This kind of goes along with a conversation I had with Sneff the other day where we agreed we could stop at any time.

Genius!

"Dick in a Box", you just got your ass kicked.

All you have to do is watch any 3 videos on MTVJams in a row to understand why the latest SNL Digital Short is nothing short of genius.

"Ah mom if you could see me now, arms spread wide on the starboard bow. Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow."

It's catchy as hell.

"What I Wouldn't Give For a Large Sock Full of Horse Manure In It"

Andia and I dined at Senor Tequilas tonight. Halfway through the meal the couple at the table behind us start yelling.

Woman: Are we getting Bruce Spingsteen tickets?
Man: Yes. I'm ordering them tomorrow.
Woman: But you have to get a lottery ticket. The paper said you had to get a lottery ticket.
Man: That's for people in line. I'm buying ours onlince.
Woman: Yes, online. Are you getting a lottery ticket?
Man: No, that's set up for people that line up and wait in line. I'm getting ours over the computer.
Woman: What?
Man: The computer. We'll get tickets and then we'll see Springsteen.

The whole conversation at full volume. Andia and I then learned that the couple didn't really want to see Elton John and Bill Joel at the BOK Center, but that they wouldn't mind driving to Dallas to see Jimmy Buffett. The man then went through a long story about how he saw Buffett in Tennesee back in the 70's before he hit big. "Then with that one album, which I have by the way, he crossed over. Before that though he was a country artist." The dude might as well have been right in my ear with this shit. The conversation then moved on to the man getting screwed on the price of a condo in South Carolina and how under the current economy he wouldn't buy a car.

The whole thing reminded me of the scene in Annie Hall.

The New Man Burger

That stuffed burger that Pryor and I made? It's nothing compared to the burger on last night's Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel.

Pryor, let's do it. I'll bring the defibrillator home from work.

Why I Always Call 'Tails'

50 years ago my grand-uncle, Tommy Allsup, was playing guitar with Buddy Holly at a rock-n-roll show up in Clear Lake, Iowa. The weather was miserable. Holly chartered a plane for his band because the tour bus kept breaking down from the cold. A young Latino rocker named Ritchie Valens was suffering from the flu that night and asked my uncle for his seat on the plane. My uncle said he'd flip a coin for the seat. The rest is rock history.